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The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
(1990, Renny Harlin)
Starring: Andrew Dice Clay, Wayne Newton, Priscilla Presley, Ed O’Neill, Robert Englund, Tone Loc, ‘Hot Tub’ Johnny West.
Tagline: ‘Meet Ford Fairlane. To his clients, he's the world's greatest Rock ‘n’ Roll detective. To everyone else, he's just a dick.’
Trailers: Miller’s Crossing, Buddy’s Song, Pacific Heights, Desperate Hours, Predator 2, Home Alone, Anything, you feel, to delay the feature presentation...
Cherrypick: ‘You sick, confusing motherfuckers!’
‘There was an old lady,
Who lived in a shoe.
She had so many kids -
Her uterus fell out. OHH!!!’
Whatever lingering opinion you might nurse about Eighties comedy behemoth and walking Rorschach Test Andrew Dice Clay – be it as the misunderstood barrack-room raconteur whose raging ‘Diceman’ alter-ego overran the stygian monster truck rally of his tiny, fractured mind, or simply as a shit-for-brained harbinger of the New Reich - what yet remains undeniable is that his immense popularity once and for all goes to prove that democracy - that oft-shafted Judas goat - simply doesn’t work.
Whipping the Emperor’s clothes off speccy liberal poster-boy Bill Hicks to reveal nothing more than a grumpy, pallid onanist, and unmasking Denis Leary for the whiny, adolescent spudfucker we always knew him to be, Clay’s stage act verified that what audiences wanted from an entertainer was not to be educated, informed or regaled with coked-up blarney, but to be insulted, belittled and - above all - offended.
|'Have a Twinkie, snapperhead!'|
Hollywood’s ears were being well and truly pricked…
Probably the ERH in which the budget to entertainment ratio reaches its most harsh and crepuscular aspect, it is perhaps more satisfying to speculate on the meetings that led up to Clay’s first* starring vehicle than to consider the splenetic, misogynist vodka advert that was subsequently vommed across our screens – meetings one senses that were held in a New Jersey Jacuzzi showroom and concentrated less on story or tone than optimum sideburn length and the location of the casting couch.
The film itself sees Dice’s titular LA music industry detective Ford Fairlane waddling up and down the Sunset Strip making endless queasy quips about “Raping somebuddy’s mudder” while decked out in hand-tooled cowboy boots, skimpy muscle top and a variety of hideous, gaudy leather jackets that make him look less like the been-there, done-that rockabilly hepcat he imagines himself to be and more like the fabled ‘Welsh Rodeo Clown’ character that was left on the cutting room floor of the Village People’s Can’t Stop The Music.
|'Clint Eastwood? I fucked 'im!'|
A camel, they say, is a horse designed by committee, but the lessons learned by Fairlane’s frenzied attempts to shackle the bucking bronco of Clay’s stage act to the flyblown demands of Tinseltown’s eternal charnel wagon would ultimately allow such potty-mouthed mud-jugglers as Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell to genetically modify that particularly confused equine enough to become improbably big stars. Like a Born-to-Lose street hood, the Diceman had gone straight for the chump change, but his knowing successors would strategically bide their time and hold out for long money. Of course Sandler, the calculating little bastard, would have the advantage of having graduated from Yale. Exactly what school Dice went to school is hard to judge – but wherever it was, they taught some fucked up nursery rhymes. OHH!!!
* Last seen flipping out live on air when a CNN interviewer accused him of “running a gym”.
Originally published in Little White Lies #13